Mina Starsiak Hawk Shares How Therapist Helped Her Avoid a Holiday Conflict with Husband - PEOPLE

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Mina Starsiak Hawk and her husband, Steve Hawk, gained a new perspective that helped them navigate conflicting holiday plans, thanks to their therapist.

In the latest episode of her podcast, Mina AF, the HGTV star pointed out how the season can be tough on relationships.

“Your person is your person and they’re there all year long, so trying to keep that connection and respect and balance during the holidays can be really hard,” she says.

Two separate invitations to spend Christmas Eve with family members created a dilemma for the couple, who share two children, 5-year-old son Jack and 3-year-old daughter Charlie.

“My very thoughtful sister plans very far in advance,” Mina says. “So she sent out a spreadsheet with the pajama sizes and the activities for Thanksgiving through Christmas, probably in, like, September.”

Mina Starsiak Hawk/ Instagram

More recently, Steve was asked by his grandmother and uncle to spend the occasion at his grandma’s home and asked Mina if they could go.

"I wasn’t prepared for that because I have this long email of this event that I ordered pajamas for six years ago,” she shared. “And it’s also a super challenging conversation, because Steve’s family is very small. The anniversary of his dad’s passing is tomorrow.” 

In 2018, Steve’s mother died from stomach cancer. His father died unexpectedly six months later after falling down the stairs. And in 2020, his sister Stefanie died of ethanol poisoning.

“Every conversation around Steve’s family is so loaded for him, and therefore loaded for me, because I care so much about making sure he’s feeling loved on the holidays because he has so fewer people that are his core group that thought he was the world, that he was everything,” Mina says. “And those are really big shoes to fill that no one could ever fill, I could never fill, but I try my best.”

The conversation about which event to attend “could’ve turned into a fight,” she says, but fortunately the couple recently had a “really good session” with their therapist that helped them handle the situation.

The guidance was prompted by Steve using the phrase “in a perfect world" when responding to the therapist.

“She lit us up, both of us,” Mina says. “She was like, ‘What do you mean, in a perfect world? You guys are living in the perfect world. Your kids will never love you more. Your health will never be better. You’re financially stable.’ She went on and on and on.”

That wasn’t the only important advice the therapist offered.

She also told the couple, “You’re playing this game of ping-pong and you guys are each taking eight hits. Someone says something, the other person can respond and then maybe you respond again.” 

She continued, “You get three hits. It’s ping-pong. The ball’s going back and forth three times. You guys are going back and forth eight times, you’re getting in the weeds, and that’s whats causing arguments, that’s what’s causing fights, so think about the things before you say them.”

Mina Starsiak Hawk/Instagram

Mina says the advice stuck with both her and Steve when they discussed the Christmas Eve invitation from his family.

“How can we have this conversation in a way where it doesn’t go down a rabbit hole that could result in us being pissed and not talking to each other for a day?” she recalls thinking.

“We just kind of landed on compromising and trying our best to do both,” she adds, explaining that she offered to go to his grandmother’s for an hour at 4 p.m. before her own family’s event, or vice versa.

“If we’re a little bit past the kids’ bedtime, that’s okay, because I know them seeing your grandma and getting to know her a little bit more as well as being able to be with all their cousins, those things are both important to us,” she said.

Mina says she’s trying to remember that “even with all its challenges, it’s a perfect world” and to “move with gratitude.”

The Good Bones star has been candid about tensions among her family members this year, saying she wasn’t “in a great place” with her brother Tad Starsiak or her mom and former HGTV co-star, Karen E. Laine.

In last week's episode of Mina AF, she said she was still figuring out her Thanksgiving plans at the time of recording, but revealed she had come up with a possible solution for spending the holidays with her dad, stepmom and other siblings: arriving early to family gatherings.

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“Our Thanksgiving starts at 2, I’ll come at noon and I’ll help you get ready and the kids can hang out,” she said. “And they can help decorate cookies, or whatever that looks like. And maybe I’m comfortable staying a little bit into when [Tad’s] there. And maybe there’s a point when I’m not.”

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