“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” — Bible (Ephesians 4:31,32)
Jack and Jill wisely decided to go through marriage counseling before marriage. It soon became evident that they had a serious difference to resolve. Jack had been raised in a very strict family environment. His family had numerous rules on behavior and his father strictly enforced them. Jill on the other hand came from a much less structured family. There were certain rules but they were minimal and seldom enforced. As they both described their expectations for their family and the raising of their children, considerable differences of opinion came loudly to the surface. Jack and Jill (and their counselor) had a serious challenge before them!
The dictionary defines conflict as: “competitive or opposing action of incompatibles; antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests or persons).” Probably one of the most important benefits of premarital counseling is helping couples identify those areas where they are in disagreement. The disagreement may be reasonably dealt with, but as in the case of Jack and Jill the cause of the disagreement may be deep rooted and hard to resolve.
It has been my experience that there will always be disagreements that need to be addressed between any two people. God had made us all different. The disagreements may not be a matter of right and wrong but simply in ways of dealing with life’s occurrences. The conflict comes in the way we respond to the disagreement. Following are some practical tips, gleaned from professional conciliators, that can help prevent differences from developing into conflict. We will focus on couples in relationship.
Define the problem and stick to the issue. Clearly define the issue and stay on topic during the discussion. Conflict occurs when angry words, past issues or hurts get tossed into the mix during the discussion about differences. Be willing to listen to one another so that the issue is clearly understood by all involved. As we have suggested in the past, take turns sharing viewpoints without criticism or comments from the other party. Once the issue is agreed to by all, decide if the issue includes what’s right and what’s wrong and how that determination is made. For example, does it involve what the Bible says, what man’s law says or does it involve potential injury to someone? Don’t use the discussion to chase down other remotely related rabbit issues. Stick to the agreed-upon topic.
Pursue purity of heart. “Take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5). Give serious thought and prayer to your own position. It’s always much easier to see someone else’s problems than it is to see our own problems and especially how we might be unfairly intensifying the mutual disagreement. Before criticizing the faults and shortcomings of others, prayerfully face up to your own. Confess any way your own biases might be contributing to the disagreement.
Plan a time for the discussion. Plan a time to meet and discuss the issue when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person’s concerns. Don’t do it just before bedtime or when stressed or distracted with other responsibilities
Affirm the relationship. Above all, affirm the relationship entering into the problem-solving mode. Make sure the other person feels secure in your love for them and that you want what’s best for both of you. Ideally be willing to consider modifying your opinion for the sake of your relationship. Most disagreements are not over legal interpretations but rather over how we relate to one another. “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).
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September 06, 2020 at 09:08AM
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FAMILY AND MARRIAGE: Conflict: Good or bad? | Features - Aiken Standard
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