An expert shares four tips for establishing boundaries and reducing conflict.
When my parents dropped me off at college, they weren’t as sad as I wanted them to be. And once I graduated, they lobbed me out of the house like a javelin.
At the time it stung. But now I see things clearly. As parents of three teenage girls, they were probably thinking: One down, two to go.
A lot has changed since my parents gently (but firmly) kicked me out decades ago. Young adults are returning home in record numbers. Half of Americans age 18 to 29 live with one or both of their parents, according to a 2021 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center.
This isn’t shocking: Many are reeling from student debt, the rise of housing costs and stagnating entry-level salaries, as well as the psychological, physical and economic toll of the coronavirus pandemic.
It’s common for parents to worry that their adult children might be “failing to launch,” delaying milestones like moving out, settling into a job or starting a family. But those concerns are largely unfounded, said Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University who has spent the last 45 years studying psychological development and family relationships in teenagers and young adults.
He analyzed data from the U.S. Census Bureau and other government agencies and found that the average young adult was starting a family about 13 years after graduating from college. “It took their parents’ generation about eight years to make the same journey,” Dr. Steinberg said. People who haven’t yet settled down at 30 might seem like slackers to their parents, he added, “but they may be right on schedule by today’s standards.”
Reading these stats, however, doesn’t make communicating with your kid easy. In his new book, “You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times,” Dr. Steinberg provides clear guidelines for avoiding arguments and creating more effective bonds. Here are a few of his best tips.
Don’t compare yourself with your children.
Avoid the phrase “‘when I was your age,’ which is almost always said in a deprecating way,” Dr. Steinberg said. He explained: “It’s akin to saying ‘don’t talk back’ to a 4-year-old. You didn’t grow up in the same era they did.”
You might think, for instance, that your adult child is taking too long to find a partner. But the age of marriage has risen significantly in the last half-century, Dr. Steinberg said. In 1961, the average woman married for the first time around 21; the average age among men was 24. But, according to 2021 census data, most American women marry for the first time at 28, and men marry around 30.
“No other transition into adulthood has been delayed by nearly this much,” Dr. Steinberg said. “And many young adults are happy to be single and childless.”
Respect their independence.
The parents of young adults today are part of the helicopter generation, Dr. Steinberg said, spending more money on their kids than previous generations and hovering protectively over their progeny.
“These parents have been very, very involved from the get-go, searching for a preschool like it was a matter of life and death,” he said. As a result, their lives might be more deeply intertwined with those of their children, and the increased intimacy could lead them to worry more.
As these children get older, parents may assume there’s no reason to scale back their involvement, Dr. Steinberg wrote in his book, and it can be tough when children “individuate,” or introduce a little emotional distance.
Take cues from your children, he said. Don’t guilt them if, for example, they don’t text you back right away — or at all. “Adjust your expectations about being in touch,” he said. “I tell parents to remind themselves that your child isn’t rejecting you as a person. They are trying to demonstrate that they’re capable, and they don’t need to rely on you.”
Keep opinions to yourself (unless you’re asked for them).
Dr. Steinberg suggested holding your tongue, unless your child is going to do something “dire and irreparable,” such as marrying someone with a history of violence, or investing money in something dicey. Allowing your kids to make small missteps, he said, shores up their sense of competence.
Parents may still be surprised by some of the reckless things that their young adult children do, he said, “but they’re still developing the capacity to rein in their impulses and emotions, which is why so many risky behaviors peak during this stage.”
If you must share your opinion, frame it as a question designed to help your child think through the matter, Dr. Steinberg said. “This suggests that you’re looking to them to instruct you about something rather than the other way around, and you might learn something from it,” he explained.
Embrace collaboration.
When parents face conflicts and disagreements with their children, Dr. Steinberg suggests a technique called collaborative problem-solving. The rules are simple: You and your child agree to listen to each other’s perspectives (without sarcasm or put-downs). Then, brainstorm possible solutions together, discussing the pros and cons of each without judgment.
This strategy, he added, is better than compromising, which “has been said is just a way of ensuring that no one is entirely happy with the solution.” It works because both parties have input and can tackle the problem together as equals.
This technique takes effort, he said, but it’s worth it. Kind of like parenthood.
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Read the story: How to Get Into the Swing of Kettlebell Training
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Legislators in New York and California are seeking to prohibit the manufacturing and sale of products containing additives that have been linked to a host of health problems, Dana G. Smith reports. An expert she spoke to described the five additives named in the bills — commonly found in baked goods, candy and soda — as “the worst of the worst.”
Read the story: Two States Have Proposed Bans on Common Food Additives Linked to Health Concerns
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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram, or write to me at well_newsletter@nytimes.com. And check out last week’s newsletter about the one question to ask when your loved one is upset.
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