The 5 reasons that conflict is inevitable.
The goal of most relationship experts is focused on helping couples reduce frustrations by clarifying expectations. Most relationship books are doing all they can to avoid conflict. The five love languages are helping people manage their expectations, how to get the love you want, Men are from mars women are from venus. But no matter what you are doing to get on the same page as far as expectations go, you will never be able to avoid conflict. Here are the 5 reasons that conflict is inevitable.
1. Memory - Most people believe that their memory of a past event is really accurate. However, the brain is not a video or audio hard drive that records past events. Instead, it is the combination of two parts of the brain that work together to create a story to give the data or facts meaning. As the brain formulates the story to communicate the memory it opens the drawer of all past experiences, and emotions as well as the facts of the situation. This intermingling of data corrupts the accuracy of a memory. Why this concept is so important in conflict is that if we know that our memories are no facts to support a position and that it has a strong possibility of being contaminated by our own bias, feelings, and perspectives, we won’t hold to the memory as strong evidence to prove ourselves. We can keep an open mind and not get bogged down into the details that won’t help us understand each other and work toward a resolution.
2. Mis - Communication - Everyone has had the experience when we are trying to talk with someone and we unconsciously use the wrong word. We think we are using the correct term or word - but the wrong word slipped out. Sometimes this is referred to as a Freudian slip, where the wrong word has deep psychological meanings of unresolved sexual feelings. I doubt that many of our miscommunications are that deep and profound. Instead, that misspoken word could be the intersection of two thoughts that are going on simultaneously and the wrong word comes out. Knowing this happens completely out of our consciousness opens our minds to the fallibility of our communication to explain why someone didn’t respond the way we expected them to.
3. Mis - Understanding - Along with its brother Mis-Communication there is Mis-Understanding. We have all experienced times when we hear a word or an idea based on what we thought they were saying or talking about. And even though we would “swear on a stack of bibles” that we heard what we heard. Others in conversation can verify that the word we thought they said, wasn’t said at all. This can be not only embarrassing but also confusing and frustrating. Understanding that this happens to all of us can help us dial down the need to defend ourselves because we really can’t be all that confident in the accuracy of what we heard anyway. And who cares anyway if you misunderstood or they miscommunicated? It doesn’t make the frustration and disappointment evaporate.
4. Confirmation bias - Then there was confirmation bias. We like to think that we have an open mind and our beliefs or ideas don’t really limit our ability to see things. But then there are the times when you look in the pantry to find that small can of olives or pineapple tidbits for the salad you are making, knowing they are in there, but you just can’t see them. Frustrated you can’t find them, you ask someone to look for you, and immediately they grab them, in plain sight. Why couldn’t you see them? Because your brain started to block any information that would challenge the idea that they aren’t there. Silly brain! What is the lesson? Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. If someone insists that it is there, assume that it is there, and admit that you can’t see it.
5. Human nature - Then there is a simple fact that we are human. No matter how clear the communication and expectations are, we still are human and prone to being lazy, forgetful, distracted, a bit selfish, or insecure. Welcome to the world. This doesn’t make it okay, it means that we can anticipate that there will be times when no matter how clear we communicate there is still the issue of human nature. These are only 5 of the facts that set us up for relationship failure and inevitable conflict. The truth is that we are going to get frustrated, disappointed, hurt, or upset. And when that happens we need a set of tools to work through those issues in a way that not only prevents a lot of discomfort and hostility, it helps create more cooperation and closeness. “You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness” addresses this hinge point of relationships that most books gloss over or ignore.
In the book, you will learn how to bring up issues when you are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, miffed, etc. You will learn how to respond to issues and complaints when they are brought up in a way that helps you stay cool, and calm and actually create closeness. You will also learn how to resolve issues for good so you don’t have to keep walking on eggshells. The good news is that even though society has done a terrible job preparing people to develop the skills of dealing with conflict, the tools are available now for everyone.
To watch the free video on why we get stuck and how to get unstuck go to EmilHarker.com.
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