Erin and Andrew Barton live in West Ashley with their three children, ages 6, 4 and 2. Their lives are busy and chaotic. Erin is an RN at MUSC’s Shawn Jenkins Children’s Hospital, and Andrew is a graphic designer, illustrator, and author of the popular Heyward the Horse children’s book series. School, church, work and home life all soak up the couple’s time and energy.
But the driven, Type-A individuals that they are, they make time for one very important activity: planning. Every Monday night, husband and wife set aside time to discuss the week ahead.
Then this year, spurred by Andrew’s reading of the self-help book, “My Best Year Ever” by Michael Hyatt, the couple embarked on a planning retreat to Kiawah. It gave the couple time to decompress away from the kids and assess their family life. They peered ahead 40 years and considered what they would like to have achieved as a family. They did the same for 20 years, 10 and five. Out of that came their next vacation as soon as Covid makes it possible.
They discussed their parenting choices for the upcoming year, what books they would like to read to the children, and how they would like to be more involved in their church.
The next day, Andrew spent time alone working up a business plan for 2021. Erin joined him as a sounding board. It was an invigorating experience for the couple who feel prepared for whatever 2021 throws at them.
“Taking time to make sure we’re two people pulling in the same direction is wonderful,” said Erin.
What does a certified life coach think about such formal planning? “Wow!” said Michelle Paradis, principal at Mariposa Life and Leadership Coaching.
“If you can afford to do that and you have people around to take care of your kids, that’s a really cool way to do it. Some people like all their i’s dotted and t’s crossed. Others can kind of wing it.”
Take Amber and Zach Davis of Mt. Pleasant, parents of seven-year-old twin boys and a six-year-old son who are in the “winging it” camp. In the midst of life’s hurly-burly, the couple attempts to stop running for 10 minutes each week to coordinate meals, childcare, and boys’ transportation to activities.
“Right now, we’re just in survival mode,” says Amber. “My husband owns his own business and has one-, two-, and five-year plans for the business, but at home, we plan week to week.”
Doing so is contrary to Amber’s nature, but with Covid, she has had to learn to be more flexible. “Flying by the seat of our pants hasn’t been so terrible,” she admits. “Wine helps!”
Avoiding long-range goal setting and decision making can prevent a family from accomplishing things that require a long lead time and coordination of activities. But Covid has collapsed everyone’s time horizon and scattered the best of plans. That has convinced Amber to focus more on the present.
Life coach Michelle Paradis says being spontaneous is a perfectly acceptable way to live as long as the family is comfortable with it.
“The first thing you have to realize is whether you have a problem. If you’re flying by the seat of your pants and you’re miserable, then you have to find another way,” she said.
She suggests being intentional about the time set aside for activities with the children. “Chose things you like and put them on the calendar, so you get it done. For example, have dinner via Zoom with Grandma every Tuesday,” she said.
Lisa New’s Hanahan-based family was all set for a Disney vacation in March when the park shut down. She and her husband Jimmy and their two young school-age daughters are learning to roll with the punches.
That doesn’t mean they don’t plan: Lisa and Jimmy use weekly date nights to map out their immediate and longer-term future.
“We’re 100% spoiled because my parents take our girls every Friday night,” Lisa says. “That’s our designated time to discuss upcoming plans and life. If we have something important to discuss, then we give a heads up to each other in advance.”
Lisa and Jimmy used date night to plan a spring break 2021 trip with the girls to the mountains. They chose something relatively Covid-resistant that could be altered at the last minute.
More substantive issues also get a workout on date nights. In December, they reassessed their year-end charitable giving and discussed their budget for the upcoming year.
Planning is not just for activities, says Michelle Paradis. It’s important to talk about emotions and relationships.
“Make sure to listen to each other. You have to be clear without blaming. Talk about what you need and really listen,” she said.
Lisa and Jimmy have done just that with their weekly tête-á-tetes. They bought a conversation starter kit that asked relational questions like “Where do you see yourself in 25 years?” The questions sparked conversation and a surprising insight.
“We found that we both just want to enjoy each other and our children. We’re happy taking little trips, like to the mountains,” Lisa said.
Including children in your planning gives them a sense of control, but it must be within boundaries, says Paradis. For example, Amber and Zach Davis like to invite the boys to share their ideas about what to have for dinner each week.
Paradis says it’s important for families to know what they want, determine how to achieve it and hold each other accountable. “When things get overwhelming,” she says, “break work into pieces. Before long, the whole goal is accomplished.”
Whatever decision-making process they employed, all three couples agreed that committing to big plans for 2021 is a fool’s errand because so much is unknown and subject to change. Remaining realistic about how little control you have is important.
For now, Amber Davis has her eyes on the big New Year’s Eve she has meticulously planned for the kids.
“Us five in our backyard with fireworks and S’mores,” she laughed. “Probably in bed by 10:30.”
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December 30, 2020 at 12:00PM
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Planning for the New Year More Complicated Than Ever - Charleston Post Courier
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