Q: My ex is tenacious in her approach to what's going on in our nation. While I sympathize with the Black Lives Matter movement, I believe change starts at home and that's how I choose to take my stand. She participates in protests and wants to take our 6-year-old son with her to "educate" him. I'm afraid it's not safe, but I think she will take him anyway. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Resolving conflict positively in the name of your child is at the very core of proper co-parenting and good ex-etiquette. But, rather than get stuck on issues on which you disagree, the positive here is that you do both morally agree. You just choose to express yourselves differently. This can be an opportunity to demonstrate compromise firsthand.
Going back and forth between homes can be disconcerting in itself. The uncertainty associated with COVID-19 where a child's normal routine is turned upside down coupled with the obvious social unrest we are experiencing has been, quite simply, very unnerving for children and their parents.
This is a very personal question and I will do my best to offer some suggestions on how you might handle it.
Start by doing your best to get on the same page with your child's other parent in how you will explain why there are protests in the first place. Do your best to stay calm and respectful of the other parent's position. Some believe that it is their right as parents to keep all the social unrest we are facing from their children; however, change starts by educating our children about their responsibility to change what they feel is unjust. It is important to remember that our country was founded on the right to peaceably assemble.
Compromise is at the root of resolving any conflict, and rather than saying, "I'm taking him, it's my right!," look for the compromise, and establish acceptable boundaries on which you both can agree.
For example, you agree the child can go if certain safeguards are put in place.
First, transmission of the virus in large groups is still a real concern. Therefore, the agreement might be that both must wear masks and do their best to social distance.
Next, agree about the length of time and time of day mom and child might attend. Share your location, and if it changes, share it again. Make periodic phone calls and send pictures.
This is your chance as co-parents to model positive problem solving so that your child can continue to respect both of you and not feel as if he or she must choose a side. Now your child can stand back and learn from the process and hopefully form a well-informed opinion as he grows.
Finally, let's talk about the unpredictability associated with some of the protests and whether it is safe to take your child. That is something that must be decided by the parents together. And both must trust the other to use their good judgment as a parent to keep themselves and their child safe.
Jann Blackstone is the founder of www.bonusfamilies.com.
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Ex-etiquette: Resolving conflicts over social protests - Minneapolis Star Tribune
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