The life of a working parent has always been relentlessly demanding, but during the Covid-19 pandemic it has morphed into a rigged game of whack-a-mole. Attending to a child’s education means neglecting a meeting. Focusing on a work assignment means leaving children to their own mischievous devices—or, in the case of toddlers, to interrupt you every 30 seconds. Giving children early bedtimes so you can get some rest means they will wake up extra early the next morning to start the whole cycle again.
For years, thought leaders like Sheryl Sandberg and Anne-Marie Slaughter have been offering remedies for the “work-life balance dilemma,” most aimed specifically at women. Some experts told women to lean in, while others advised stepping back. A few even maintained that the only way forward was to return to “ultra-traditional” gender roles. What all these strategies have in common is the assumption that the conflict between work and family can be solved by changing our institutions and relationships.
But what if there is no solution? More than a century ago, the Israeli kibbutz movement made a dramatic attempt to eliminate both work-family conflict and gender inequities, once and for all. In these small communal settlements, children didn’t live with their parents but spent most of their time in “children’s houses,” where they ate meals, attended school and even slept. The idea was to free mothers and fathers from the burdens of caregiving, giving them the opportunity to participate fully in the work of the kibbutz.
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Can parents ever find a perfect balance between work and family? Join the conversation below.
Yet even when work-life conflicts had ostensibly been solved, mothers weren’t satisfied with the arrangement. A study published in 1964, based on in-depth interviews with 123 mothers from 13 kibbutzim, found that nearly all the mothers believed their children were happy in the children’s houses; yet they still wanted more contact with their offspring than kibbutz life allowed. In the end, mothers drove the kibbutzim to dismantle communal child-rearing arrangements.
The failure of all our attempts to end work-family conflict suggests that we need to stop thinking of it as a problem to be solved, and start understanding it as a tragedy in the ancient Greek sense—a conflict between two competing goods. In our careers, we are independent beings, honing our talents and earning financial rewards; as members of a family, we prioritize our connection to those we love. Both mothers and fathers experience this dilemma: A 2017 study in the journal Applied Psychology combining over 350 independent samples found only small differences between the genders when it comes to work-family conflict. But women tend to be more prone to guilt and self-doubt about their choices. After all, “impostor syndrome” originated as a diagnosis for high-achieving women.
Neither of these identities can be given up without a cost. We wouldn’t want to “solve” our desire to care for our children, or lose our motivation to work. Instead of lamenting the difficulty of balancing the two endeavors, then, we can try to appreciate the productivity that results from forces in opposition. In biology, systems in continuous tension underlie our body’s optimal functioning: sleeping and waking, breathing in and breathing out. The structure of desire itself—for food, drink, sex or anything else—requires both pain and pleasure, tension and release, over and over again.
Research shows that the same is true when it comes to our psychology. Having conflicting obligations and playing different roles is beneficial for physical and emotional health, forcing us to engage in activities that are good for us, such as physical activity, problem-solving and social engagement. People reporting a higher sense of purpose tend to have better immune response profiles, lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, fewer cardiovascular risk factors, fewer sleep problems, lower risk for depressive symptoms and lower mortality rates among older adults.
Of course, every working parent sometimes feels guilt and inadequacy about not being fully successful in either sphere. Sometimes balancing them requires agonizing decisions. Yet in a culture that prioritizes both intensive parenting and constant attention to work, the conflict between roles can be beneficial, since it forces us to take turns detaching from each. The ability to engage in “role detachment” restores energy and enthusiasm for the roles that we temporarily leave. In a 1998 study, researchers at Tel Aviv University looked at army reservists who had been called away from their regular jobs to engage in active duty. Strange as it might seem, the reservists actually experienced a significant decrease in work-related stress and burnout during their military service. Switching roles helped reduce the stress they felt in their daily lives.
“ When we end a demanding work meeting and reconnect with our children, we have a powerful opportunity to relax both body and mind. ”
Alternating between work and family can have a similar effect. When we end a demanding work meeting and reconnect with our children, we have a powerful opportunity to relax both body and mind. Research shows that mothers who see pictures of infants, or who hold or play with them, experience a measurable reduction in stress response. Conversely, going to work can help us alleviate family stress. Parents’ brains are wired to be concerned about their children, but excessive worry can be unhelpful, even damaging, for both parent and child. Pressure to focus on responsibilities outside the home helps curb helicopter parenting: It’s easier to leave your child to entertain herself if you have to meet a work deadline.
When working parents think that one day they will get the balance between work and family “right” and the conflict will disappear, they are setting themselves up for an exhausting, unwinnable battle. The pandemic has made that clearer than ever. As any working parent on the receiving end of well-intentioned advice can tell you, no solution exists for the challenges of working and raising children under quarantine. We would do well to accept the conflict rather than believe—or have others tell us—that it can be solved once and for all. Acceptance gives us the freedom to feel whatever we’re feeling: exhausted, energetic, grateful or in need of a trip to Tahiti. Being patient with ourselves when we experience the difficulties of working parenthood may be the most healing thing we can do.
—Ms. Schonbrun is an assistant professor of clinical psychology at Brown University and a co-host of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. Ms. Corey is an associate professor of political science at Baylor University.
Copyright ©2020 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 87990cbe856818d5eddac44c7b1cdeb8
"conflict" - Google News
June 27, 2020 at 11:41AM
https://ift.tt/2BGwGLu
Work-Life Conflict Can’t Be Solved—and That’s a Good Thing - The Wall Street Journal
"conflict" - Google News
https://ift.tt/3bZ36xX
https://ift.tt/3aYn0I8
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "Work-Life Conflict Can’t Be Solved—and That’s a Good Thing - The Wall Street Journal"
Post a Comment